Journey
by Lynn5
Summary: Back from a long hiatus!! S7 - Spike's journey home has a detour in England, where he meets up with some unlikely allies.
1. Default Chapter

Journey

By:  Lynn

Disclaimer:  I don't own them.   Obviously.

Rating:  PG-13, to be on the safe side.  May be higher in later chapters

Author's Note:  Sorry this is so short – I will try to put up more soon.  Please review, thanks!

Author's Note 2:  Please don't take Willow's thoughts in Chapter 1 to be anti-lesbianism, Tara, etc.  I liked Tara and I'm sad she's dead.  But I'm a huge fan of Oz, and I've always thought that Willow loved both him and Tara.  Because I think this, I believe Willow swings both ways, if you will.  I think she deserves someone to help/ comfort her, and I think Oz would be great for that.  I'm not sure if I'm going to have them restart their relationship, though – any suggestions?

Prologue

            The sound of Spike's unnecessary breathing were the only ones to fill the cold, dark cave.  He was lying flat on his back, shirtless.  The blood was drying and the scars were almost completely healed.  Some thing about being a vampire were good.

            It felt like hours had passed since the demon had granted him his reward.  In reality, it probably hadn't been all that long.  However, he didn't really know what reality was anymore.

            All the crap he put up with from the Slayer and her friends in Sunnyhell, all the burning pain shooting from that damn chip, all the trials he faced in this cave – none of it was as bad as what he was feeling right now.

            He felt the same.

            There was no remorse, no guilt, no faces of past kills dancing across his mind's eye.  No desire to brood like the bloody poof.

            True, he felt bad about what he did in Buffy's bathroom, but no more so than he did before his "vacation" to Africa.

            In shore, he was the same person…er, vampire…er, thing.  What was he now, anyway?  He knew the demon gave him a sould – he felt it come back to him.  It just didn't change him at all.  So he wasn't a vampire, technically.  But he certainly wasn't a Vampire With a Soul.  That is, was, and always would be his nancy-boy sire.

            Finally the truth dawned on him.  Turns out the Slayer was right all along:  this "reward" of his didn't matter in the slightest because with or without a soul, he truly was a monster.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 

            The airport was crowded.  People rushed back and forth, trying to make flights or find loved ones.  Two people, however, stood in the middle of it, hugging hard.  Finally, they released each other and the older man held the girl at arm's length.

            "You're going to be okay.  You know that, right?  You're strong and brave.  It won't be easy, I know, but you can do it."

            "I'll certainly try, Giles."

            "Well, then, you'll succeed."

            "I – I love you.  Thank you."

            With tears in his eyes, Giles hugged the small frame to his body again.

            "I love you, too.  You and the others- you're like my children.  But I've always had a special spot in my heart for you."

            Releasing her again, he winked at her.

            "Don't tell Buffy I said that."

            Willow smiled at the Watcher, waved and walked through the door.  As soon as she was out of Giles' sight, the smile changed into a worried expression.  She was going home.  She didn't know if she could handle it.  The coven helped her with the magic, Giles with her heartbreak.  But now…now she had to go face her friends.

            She had barely spoken with them the last two months.  Xander occasionally, Buffy and Dawn once or twice.  They had all figured it'd be best for her to deal with things in steps and that the magic issues should be first.

            They had tried to sound light-hearted on the phone, but she knew things would be difficult when she was back home.

            She knew Xander had forgiven her – and the others had, too.  But that didn't mean she had their trust.  She'd have to earn that back slowly.

            But she knew she could eventually.  Right?

            Once sitting on the phone, Willow pulled out her journal.  At Giles and the coven's urging, she had started to keep one when she began the healing process.  At first, she was withdrawn and locked herself in the spare bedroom in Giles' apartment for days on end.  But, slowly, thanks to the coven's support and Giles' unwavering support and love, and the ability to purge her guilt and fear and pain into that thick, leather-bound book, she started to live again.  It's what Tara would have wanted.

            Yes, she'd always love Tara and miss her, but that didn't mean she didn't have other people she loved and who loved her back:  Giles, her friends, the coven.  Not to mention that somewhere, out there, Oz was still around.  Oz, who after all this time, a part of her still loved.  And she hoped a part of him still loved her.  It had been awhile since she had thought of him, but now the words came pouring out of her into the journal.  She owed him so much.  He had taught her what it was to love, had shown her the strength that had always been inside of her – that same strength she now used every day to fight her way back to life.

            A part of her felt guilty, thinking about him when she was still grieving for Tara, but she had loved them in different ways.  She wouldn't be ready for another relationship for a long time – and she might never be in one with him again, especially since she didn't even know where he was, or how to contact him.  Or if he would want to be in a relationship with her again.

            But remembering him and his love fore her reminded her of all the good qualities he saw in her.  She missed his friendship and support the most.  And thinking about him made her feel that, somehow, he was with her, squeezing her hand and helping her face the road to come.

            And, somehow, she didn't think Tara would mind, since it felt like she was squeezing her other hand.

            Closing the journal, Willow settled in for a nap.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

            "Home, bloody home."  It felt weird calling a place other than Sunny D home.  But this place would _always_ be his home.

            England.

            Making his way toward the warehouse he and Dru lived in the last time they were in England, he reflected on what happened the last few months.  It had been almost four now since he left Africa.

            He took the "long" way home – Brazil, Spain, France, Germany, Prague, Russia, England.  It was quite the meandering trail.  And rather fruitless.

            He had been visiting the places where he had been particularly gruesome in his long un-life.  He had hoped that seeing the places would push the memories to the surface and the guilt would follow. 

            He didn't think he'd ever say this, but he had _wanted_ to brood, damn it!  He was desperately trying to prove that his soul did work, that he did feel guilty, that he wasn't a monster, that the Slayer could love him.

            Because the one constant in his life was that still did love her.

            "See, ducks?  Told you I didn't 'ave to 'ave a soul to love.  Bloody lot of good that soul's doin' me now."  Grumbling to himself as he reached the warehouse, he kicked the door open and threw down his small bag – the only possessions he had now since he couldn't exactly go get the rest from the Hellmouth.  Maybe he could get a hold of Clem – have him ship the rest over.

            Three dumb looking vamps sprang to their feet, growling at the intruder.

            "Well, fellas, thanks for watchin' the place while I've been gone, but … get out."

            "Hey, this is OUR lair!"  The – and Spike used the term loosely – leader snarled at him.  Spike smirked in response.

            "Not anymore."  He growled deep and low in his throat.  The two younger vampires stood frozen for a second before turning and bolting.  The leader watched them, glancing back and forth between their retreating backs and Spike's game face.  Spike took half a step forward and the other vampire sprinted after his companions.  Chuckling, Spike went over to their things to decide what was worth keeping.

                                    *                      *                      *

            In the month since he moved back to England, he slowly yet surely gained a reputation.  The demons and vampires in London had not heard of his recent exploits.  He didn't have to deal with the ridicule and danger inherent with being Buffy's bitch back in Sunnyhell.

            Unfortunately, the chip was still active.  While the newly re-souled vampire didn't especially mind pig's blood, it was harder to get blood here without losing his reputation.  With that in mind, he had a few sources, alternating among them to avoid raising suspicions.  

            Currently, he was on his way to a new butcher shop.  It was in a different part of London than he usually frequented, so he figured he should be okay.

            Walking quickly in the cool night, he took a long draw on his cigarette, wistfully wishing he could feel the duster flapping around his legs.  God, he missed that coat.  Unfortunately, it was the only thing Clem couldn't ship to him – Buffy probably destroyed it when she saw it on the handrail anyway. He sighed.

            Reaching the shop, he pushed open the door.  The little bell that rang reminded him of the Magic Box – so many things reminded him of the Hellmouth.  The man behind the counter looked up and smiled.

            "Can I help you?"

            "Yeah, mate.  I need some blood."

            "Um…okay.  Just a sec."

            Spike absently tapped his fingers on the counter as he waited for the clerk to return.  The bell jingled again and Spike half-turned.

            "Spike?"  A familiar voice almost whispered – shock filled and confused at the same time.

            Spike turned around completely, eyes wide.

            "Watcher?"  
            "S-Spike.  What are you doing here?"  The ex-Watcher took off his glasses, absent-mindedly cleaning them, trying to hide his discomfort with the situation.

            "Why do you bloody think?  I need to eat, mate!"

            Giles stared at him blankly for a minute before understanding dawned in his eyes.

            "I meant, what are doing in England, Spike?"

            "Oh."  Spike turned back to the counter.  "Didn't the Slayer tell you I left?"

            "No, we've been a bit…preoccupied."  The tone of sadness in the … well, younger…man's voice caused Spike to look back again, a confused expression on his face.  It looked like Giles' mind was miles away.  Spike forced himself not to ask what was wrong.  He didn't care…right?  Well, even if he did, he had decided months ago that he wasn't going to bother her anymore.  He was a monster;  the soul didn't change that.  She deserved so much more, expecially since she's fought so hard for so long.

            But the look in Giles' eye made his heart twinge.  Something was wrong.  He began to waver in his resolve not to ask, but before he could open his mouth, Giles shook his head, clearing his thoughts, and forced an overly-cheerful expression to his face.

            "Well, anyway, it's go-…a surprised to see you."  Spike smirked at Giles' slip.

            "You too, mate."

            "When did you leave Sunnydale?"  

            "Um, about five months ago.  I traveled around a lot before comin' back 'ere, though."

            "Oh?"

            "Yeah.  I 'ad some soul-searchin' to do."  
            Giles chuckled, thinking Spike had made a joke, but had an unsettled feeling when the vampire didn't return the chuckle and refused to look him in the eye.

            _Strange.  What's with Spike now?_

            When the assistant returned with Spike's blood, the vampire paid for it and waited for Giles to place and pay for his order.  The two walked out of the shop together, still doing the pleasant chit-chat thing until Spike was ready to claw his own eyes out.

            "Look, mate. This 'as been fun and all, but I should get goin'."

            "Oh, of course.  Sorry for detaining you."

            "Oh, no, nothing like that – just got a few more errands to run before dawn."

            They said goodbye and Spike took a few steps before turning around.

            "Giles?"

            "Hmm?"

            "Listen, I know your first loyalty is to the Slayer, but, if possible, could you not tell her about me bein' 'ere in England and you runnin' into me and all?  It's just that…I caused 'er so much trouble back in Sunny D.  She shouldn't 'ave to deal with me now that I'm no longer in 'er life."  Spike was slightly disgusted at the tone in his voice – quiet, tentative, hopeful.  Bloody hell, after all these months, she still had this strong of a hold on him!

            Surprise flitted across Giles' face, followed quickly by a smile.  

            "Of course, Spike.  And may I just say:  there are times, like now, when part of me thinks that part of Buffy doesn't deserve you." The Watcher paused, clearly upset by his traitorous words.  "See you around, Spike."

            Spike walked away, moisture in his eyes and a smile he just _couldn't_ suppress.  For the first time since the cave, he thought he felt his soul.  And it was rejoicing.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 

            Willow was lying flat on her back in the bed she used to share with Tara.  It felt so big and empty now.

            _Sort of like my heart._

Willow sighed deeply.  She had been home for five months, and she still had trouble sleeping.

            _Seven months since Tara died._

            Time seemed to race by and to trudge by.  A weird thing, time.  Wasn't it supposed to heal, too?

            Willow shook her head, trying to lighten her mood.  She WAS healing.  Granted, there was a long way to go still, but she was living at least.  And it wasn't really about Tara anymore.  Yes, she still grieved for her, but she had also accepted it.

            _Yes, I loved her.  And she loved me.  But just because she doesn't mean I can't love and be loved again.  She saw "me", but so did Oz.  Xander does too, in a different way.  I'm a person that people can love.  My chance for that didn't die with Tara._

So, no, it wasn't for Tara she still needed time to heal.  It was for Warren and Giles, Buffy and Dawn, Xander and Anya, Jonathan and that other guy.  And the whole world.  How could she even begin to atone?

            It was times like these she ached for someone to hold her.  Not Tara – it could never be Tara again.  But maybe someone else, someday…

            She drifted off to sleep, dreaming of strong arms encircling her.  She wasn't quite sure when the dream arms became Dream Oz's arms.

                                    *                      *                      *

            "Thank you, come again."  Willow said in a sing-songy voice.  She was working at the Magic Box, trying to help pay off the debt.  It had taken so much to rebuild it…again.  She vowed to herself:  the next time the store was destroyed, it would not be because of her!

            The bell above the door chimed.  

            "Hi, Will!"  Buffy and Dawn walked in the store.  Dawn threw her backpack down on the table and dug out her math homework.  Buffy went to the counter to talk to her friend before she went to train in the backroom.

            "How's it going?  Business booming?"

            "Oh, you know.  Same old, same old."  Willow twisted her hair around some fingers.  It was long again, like high school.  Buffy thought for a second about all that happened since she first met the shy nerd with a crush on her best friend.  Things would be so different if she hadn't!  She was so grateful she did, despite the heartaches over the years.  The joy was so much more important.

            The girls talked for a few more minutes.  Then Buffy went into the back, stretched and began with the punching bag. 

            She started slow, but soon she was attacking the bag with pent up anger…and sadness.

            When had the bag become Spike in her mind?

            She was so angry at him for attacking her, but also for leaving her.  She was angry at herself for saying the things she did, basically pushing him away since Day 1.  She was angry at herself for caring – for missing him.  For being sad.

            Despite all that, she was glad he hadn't returned.  She wasn't sure what she wanted yet, or how she'd react.  Or even how she should.  She did want him to come back sooner or later;  whether she could admit it or not, he was a big part of her life and part of her felt empty without him.  Yes, she wanted him back – but that didn't mean she wasn't sure she wouldn't stake him upon his return.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4 

            Spike couldn't believe it had been almost a year ago he received his soul.

            "Bloody lot of good it did me…"

            Okay, well only 8 months – but Spike tended to like rounding up.  It just made things sound so much more impressive.

            The three months he had been in England seemed to pass quicker than the previous ones had.  He didn't like to admit it, but he thought it had something to do with Giles.  "Bumping into each other" at the butcher shop was now a weekly event.  It always led to going somewhere for a cuppa and talking.  Neither one would admit it, but they enjoyed the other's company.  What had started as a familiar face with a connection to Sunnydale had changed into a friend.

            But both felt incredibly guilty.  Giles because he was still keeping his promise – he hadn't told Buffy about Spike.  Keeping it a secret was becoming more and more difficult.  Lately, every time they talked on the phone, Buffy would give him the same update:  "Spike's still gone."  There was sadness in her voice, and anger.  However, she never did tell him _why_ he had left.

            Spike hadn't either, which is one of the reasons he felt guilty about their weekly chats.  He knew Giles would stake him in an instant if he knew what Spike had done to Buffy.  The other reason for the guilt was that Spike still hadn't told him about the soul.  

            But that was going to change tonight.  Spike decided it was time to stop acting like a wussy ponce.  He had really started to like the Watcher and couldn't live a lie anymore.

            He was currently standing outside the shop, recent purchase in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

            "Spike!  Fancy meeting you here."  Giles came up to him and deadpanned.  Both men snickered.  Giles went inside for a few minutes, then came back out with his purchases.

            "Fancy a cuppa, mate?"  Spike asked, almost wishing the Watcher would say no.  Just because he decided it was time to come clean didn't mean he was looking forward to doing so.  

            Alas, no – the invitation was accepted, as usual.  They walked in silence to the nearest shop.  After getting their drinks, they sat down in a quiet corner.  Spike discreetly added his "special ingredient" from the packet from the butcher.

            They were silent for a while longer.  Giles could tell something was up and respected the vampire's need for quiet.  Finally, Spike cleared his throat.

            "Did the Slayer ever tell you why I left the Hellmouth?"

            Curiosity shone in the Watcher's eyes.  He shook his head and leaned forward, eager to hear the story.  

            Spike averted his eyes as the dam broke and the words flowed out of his mouth.

            "Well, when she broke things off with me – did you know we had somethin' goin' on?"

            "Yes, she finally told me a little while ago."

            "Well, then.  When she broke it of, I was in a bad place – drunk a lot, ended up shaggin' the demon.  Whelp was not 'appy, let me tell you.  The Slayer wasn't either, but there you 'ave it.

            One night, I was depressed and angry and desperately wantin' to feel Buffy in my arms.  I went to their 'ouse and found 'er in the bathroom.  Seeing her was like a drug.  My mind turned off.  All I could think of was 'ow much I wanted 'er.  I tried to get her to understand, to 'old me again, to want me back.  And, well like all things with 'er, it turned violent.  She managed to keep me off until I 'woke up' and realized what was 'appenin'.

            I really do understand 'ow she could never love me.  I couldn't even like myself after that.  I felt so 'orribly guilty.  My mind seized on the idear that it was the bloody chip's fault.  I left town, went to Africa to see this demon bloke I 'eard of.  'e could see through me, though.  Better'n I could, anyway.  Knew I didn't want the chip out.  After I passed the trials he gave me what I really wanted."

            Spike paused.  He couldn't believe he was finally going to tell someone this.  He also couldn't believe the Watcher was taking the story so well – he should've been dust by now!  Maybe he should've given the man more credit.

            "'e gave me … a soul."

            Giles eyes popped out of his head, and he started to choke on the sip he just took.

            "Are you serious?"

            Spike glumly nodded.

            Giles sat silent for a minute, taking it all in.  Finally:

            "Why aren't you acting all guilty, then?"

            "Well, near as I can figure, the soul doesn't do that much good for me.  I feel guilty about things I've done recently – but no more'n before the soul.  And I don't feel guilty about the chaos I caused before the chip.  Anything like that.  I figured, with a soul, I could go back to Sunny D and win her back.  But I couldn't do that now – not when I know that, even with a soul, I'm still a monster."

            Spike sighed, finally raising his eyes to meet Giles'.  The Watcher sat quietly for a minute, clearly trying to think of a way to put thoughts into words.  

            "Spike, why exactly do you think that?  Because you're not brooding and guilty like Angel?"

            Spike started to say things like poof and nancy boy – keeping up the bad boy image – before suddenly stopping.

            "Yeah."  A dejected voice quietly answered.

            "Spike, no two humans are alike – no two souls are either.  Each person lives by his or her own rules and standards.  Obviously, I wouldn't know, but I highly doubt William Brighton would have gotten along with Liam.  Angel broods because that's how Liam would have felt.

            "You, Spike, have always been different, even pre-chip.  Tell me, do you _want_ Buffy to fall in love with a guy just like Angel?"  
            "No bloody way!"

            "Then why do you feel you should be like Angel before you are worthy enough to go back to her?  If you want her to love you, you have to be _you_.  The way I figure it, you aren't all broody and guilt-ridden simply because William Brighton's soul recognizes the difference between itself and the demon inside your body.  Your soul doesn't feel guilty because it wasn't responsible for all the evil your body did.  Angel could never recognize the difference between what the demon did and what _he _did.

            But that doesn't mean I think you should go back to Sunnydale right now.  You're not ready to win her back yet.  I do not doubt you love her.  I haven't doubted it since the summer she was…gone.  You took care of Dawn because of the love you felt for her and for Buffy.  At the time, there was no way you could know she was coming back – you weren't doing it for selfish purposes.  No, I know you love her, but that's not enough.  She is human.  She is the Slayer.  You will most likely live for a long time after she is gone for good.  You have to redefine yourself.  Accept this soul and use it to make a new life – for you, not her.  This soul is a gift for you.  Don't waste it by only living for her.  You deserve more than that.  Not to mention, that if you make your own life first and then try to win Buffy back, it'll be a more equal relationship.  She won't have all the power.  Ultimately, that would be the best situation for _both_ of you."

            "Well, that's all well and good, but 'ow am I supposed to go about 'making my own life'?"  
            Giles smirked.

            "I don't know about you, but I've been extremely bored.  Sunnydale isn't the only place with demons;  London has its fair share.  How about you and me make it a safer place?"

            "'ow is that any different from me 'elpin' Buffy on the 'ellmouth?"

            "I will continue to keep my promise  - not say a word to Buffy about you being here.  If, at some point, you want her to know, we'll tell her in such a way as to make it not look like we're just trying to get you on her good side.

            However, Spike, the key to this plan is you have to do this not for yer, not for me, not for you…but because you know it's the right thing to do."

            "I've known that for a long time, Giles."

            "Well, let's get started then."  Spike grinned.  Both men drained their cups and stood.  Two unlikely allies went out into the city, hunting for things that go bump in the night.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5 

            Willow didn't think she had been this happy since Tara died.

            _Ten months.  Almost a year.  They were right about giving it time.  It has gotten easier…a little._

_            Too bad Tara wasn't around for this, though.  She would've loved it._

            "I now pronounce you, man and wife."  Willow clapped with the other guests as her best friend kissed the ex-ex-vengeance demon.  She never though she'd see the day… there had been so much pain and miscommunication and suppressed love between the two.  However, when Tara died, everyone began to see that there were more important things than pride.  Xander and Anya slowly rebuilt their relationship and now they were happier than they had ever been.  Obviously.

            A little while later, at the reception, Willow walked up to Buffy and Giles.  The redhead gave him a quick hug.

            "I'm glad you could make it this time around."

            "So am I.  How are you doing?

            "One day at a time."

            The Englishman smiled fondly at the girl, keeping one arm around her shoulder protectively.

            "So, Giles, what's new?"

            Giles immediately averted his eyes.  When he first started answering, his voice was an octave higher than usual.  He cleared his throat and tried again.

            "N-nothing much.  This and that, you know.  Making some…friends."

            "Girlfriends?"  Willow asked in a sing-songy voice.  Giles barked out a laugh.

            "Ah, no…Oh! There's the happy couple.  I'm going to go congratulate them."

            The girls watched Giles practically bolt away, then looked at each other, confused.

            "That was certainly strange."

            "Yeah, he's not telling us something…"

                                    *                      *                      *

In the shadows of the alley, two darker shadows moved quickly.  Sounds of a fight were almost deafening in the otherwise quiet night.  One of the shadows knocked the other to the ground and was about to go in for the kill when he exploded into a pile of dust.  The other shadow lay tense on the ground for a second before letting out a sigh of relief.    
            "Thanks, mate.  Good timin'!"  Giles held a hand out to help Spike stand.

"Missed you, mate. 'ow was the States?"

"Don't you mean, how was Buffy?"

"That obvious?"

"She's fine.  They all are.  Xander and Anya are happy."

"Good for 'er.  Don't know 'ow she could be with the Whelp, but she deserves it. 'ope 'e realizes what 'e's got."

"I think he has a fairly good idea."

"Good.  Well, it's been pretty slow while you were away."  
            "Good."

"Good?!  Bloody borin', if you ask me!"

Giles chuckled. "Come on.  Back to my place for some tea."

"In other words, you need 'elp researchin' somethin'?"  Spike smirked.

"Am I that transparent?"  The men chuckled and walked off toward Giles' apartment.

A few hours later found Giles on the couch, his nose in a book.  Spike was sprawled on the floor, surrounded by books and fast asleep.

A knock on the door was almost too quiet to snap Giles out of his focus.  It took a few minutes to register what the noise meant before he was walking over to the door.  He opened it to find a young woman staring at him.  Curly black hair framed a smiling face.

"Alea?" Giles exclaimed.

"Hey, Rupert!"  She stepped into his waiting arms.  They stood like that, lost to the world until a voice joked behind them.

"Getting' them younger and younger, eh Ripper?"  Spike was now lying on his side, propped up by one arm.  The hair on his left side was sticking up at angles, tousled by sleep.  

"This is Alea Crawford, the daughter of my mentor when I was in training."

"Which leads to what brought me here…," Alea interrupted.  Giles gave her a questioning look.

"I decided it was time to begin my training.  I have an official mentor, but I know Dad always wanted you to be my mentor.  I know you can't officially be, what with no longer belonging to the Council.  But…would you?"  The last part was so tentative and hopeful that Giles almost chuckled, despite the tears welling up in his eyes.

"Of course."  They hugged again, and Spike cleared his throat.

"Alea, this is S- William."  Spike quirked an eyebrow.  He could play this game.  Standing, he walked over and shook her hand.

"Pleased to meet you.  Sorry I'm a mess."  Spike ran a hand through his hair and looked down at his rumpled clothes.  

"No problem – I know what researching is like."  She offered a dazzling grin that Spike couldn't help but return.

"Speaking of which, do you guys need help?"  Alea entered the room further.  Giles quickly accepted the offer and the three sat down to work – of course, by the end of the night, more talking had been done than research.

Weeks passed.  Alea spent almost every night with them researching.  Spike found himself liking her a lot – she could someday be as dear to him as Giles or the Nibblet.  Which is why it killed him to keep his true identity from her.  He had asked Giles, after that first night, why exactly he was 'William' and not 'Spike'.

"Spike, I've known Alea for a long time, and I love her very much.  However, like her father, she is very idealistic.  That, coupled with being young, means she sees things as black and white, good and evil, human and demon.  I want to teach her about the gray – but that will come in time.  And one of the best ways to teach her is for her to get to know you before knowing your true status."

Spike understood the reasoning, but it was hard – hard to keep finding excuses as to why he's never at Giles' during the day, why he was so pale and cold all the time, why he barely ate, why he was never scared when he and Giles left for patrolling – something Giles refused to let her come along on.

Deep down, Spike desperately wanted to know if she'd be this friendly with him if she knew.  Alea was pretty much the only true friend he had that didn't know the truth.  He felt like he was betraying her, yet he also wondered if her friendship was a sign that he was succeeding in building a separate life for himself.

No matter what, he knew they couldn't keep it a secret forever.  And more than anything, he was afraid of losing her friendship…

                        *                      *                      *

April 20, 2003 

_Watcher's Journal:  Alea Crawford_

_Well, Giles and I decided it was time for me to start keeping a journal – practice for when I finish my training and am a full Watcher._

_I can't believe I've only been working with him for a month – I've learned so much from him!  More than in my classes or from Edward, my official mentor._

_I've also learned a lot from William, which is strange because I don't think he's had any official training.  His experience and knowledge are truly amazing for someone so young.  I hope he and I become better friends – I believe I still have a lot to learn about and from him.  Not to mention, he's cute._

_Well, that statement turned this into a high school student's journal!  I won't deny I haven't thought about him like that, but not a lot.  I'd rather have him as a friend.  And truth be told, I think his heart belongs to another – as much as he doesn't let it show.  Ah, well.  All the good ones are taken._

_I should finish this quickly – have to leave for class soon.  I'm so excited.  This week we're starting the whole Angel/Angelus thing.  It's neat, since Rupert knows him and all that.  Today, we're starting with Angelus and his Children.  It should be interesting!_

_Oh no!  Gotta go!_

_Alea Crawford_


	7. Chapter6

Journey

By: Lynn

Rating: PG-13  
A/N:  I realize I haven't updated this in a really long time.  Hopefully, I still have some readers out there.  If I do, you can all thank Son of Evil, who just recently wrote a review for it.  Just so you know, I'll probably finish Confusion before I work on this, but here's what I have for right now.  Also, begin blatant hint if I keep getting reviews for this and for Confusion, I'll be more likely to finish them without letting it sit for 4 months. end blatant hint                    

Alea was walking quickly over the Watcher's Council Grounds toward the building that served as the school.  She was going to be late.  She hated that;  her father was big on punctuality and had taught her to be so, too.  

            _Oh, well…_

"Alea!  Wait up!"  Turning, Alea saw a blur of limbs and books and blond hair running toward her – her best friend, Katherine.  Katherine, on the other hand was always late.  Usually because she tripped over something on the way.  Alea felt a pang of guilt, as usual – Katherine knew Alea spent time with Rupert, but didn't know about William or the mentorship.  She just didn't want that to be common knowledge, and, while she trusted Katherine, she didn't trust the rest of the trainees.

            When Katherine caught up, they both entered the back of the classroom, earning a disapproving glance from the Professor.

            "I'm sure you've all been looking forward to this lecture.  The subject matter is truly interesting.  Angelus and his crew are almost always involved in the best-known stories in Watcher history.  Not to mention, the recent discovery of his soul, loss of said soul and being cursed again.  Of course, that'll be later in the week.  Today, we start with his "family".  And that story actually starts ages ago, with a vampire commonly known as the Master…"

            Alea and her classmates listen wide-eyed as the Professor weaved the story of the Scourge of Europe through the Master and Darla, Drusilla and William the Bloody.

            "Now, some of you may have heard of the recent adventures of William the Bloody – or Spike as he is called these days.  Don't laugh at the name – I know it's like a punk rocker, but he was given it for torturing his victims with a railroad spike.  Anyway, due to a government chip in his brain, Spike has not fed on humans for some time and, in fact, was helping the Slayer up until just a little while ago.  Because of this, we actually have a recent photo of him." 

            As the Professor fumbled with the equipment, he continued lecturing.

            "Despite what anyone says, however, Spike does NOT have a soul.  Make no mistake about it – without the chip, Spike would be as he was before: a vicious demon.  Ah, here we go."

            A large picture lit up the screen in the front of the room.  Alea dropped her pen, gasping.  

            "Oh my God!"


	8. Chapter 7

By: Lynn

Rating: PG-13  
 

"Goodnight, Buffy."

            "Night, Dawn.  Sleep well."

            Dawn turned around and ran back up the steps.  Closing the door to her room, she went to the chest at the foot of the bed.  Like Buffy's, her chest had a secret compartment, but, unlike Buffy's, hers did not hold weapons.  It held something far more precious to her: an old, beat-up, leather duster.

            Buffy didn't know Dawn had rescued it from the garbage.  She knew she shouldn't have;  Spike deserved to lose his beloved coat after what he almost did to her sister.  But the coat didn't remind Dawn of that Spike;  it reminded her of the Spike of the summer after Buffy's death.  And that was also the Spike she missed dearly.

            She had been sleeping in it since he left.  Having it on made Dawn feel better – like Spike's hugs did that summer.  She didn't know if she'd be able to sleep without it anymore.

            Snuggling down into bed her nose searched for the cigarette and alcohol smell, but the coat no longer smelled like Spike.  

            _He's never coming back._ _ He's gone!_

            Bursting into sobs, Dawn cried herself to sleep.

            After Dawn went upstairs to bed, Buffy quickly changed and went out for a quick patrol.  She was restless, but, unfortunately, she didn't run into any trouble.  Sighing, she turned to for home, almost missing the excitement-packed nights of a year ago.

            _That's not all you miss about the nights from a year ago…_

A nasty voice in Buffy's head teased her.

            "Shut up!  I will not think about him!"

            Buffy started sprinting, trying in vain to outrun her thoughts.

                                    *                      *                      *

            Willow laid on her bed, phone to ear.  She desperately needed to talk to Giles, long-distance bill be damned!  On the second ring, she heard a click.

            "'ello?"  Willow frowned – that voice was familiar, but it wasn't Giles'…

            "Uh…yeah…is Rupert Giles there?"

            The person on the other end didn't say anything, but, a second later, Giles' voice came on.  Now, Willow was even more confused.

            "Hello?"

            "Hi, Giles.  It's me."

            "Oh…ah, Willow.  How are you?"

            "Fine.  Who was that?"

            "Oh…ah…a colleague."

            "Oh."  Somehow Willow couldn't shake the funny feeling the first voice had given her.

"So, what can I do for you?"

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Oh!"  For the next couple of minutes, the two caught up.  They didn't talk about

anything big, which is what Willow wanted – to be able to forget for a while that her friends were still a little afraid of her, no matter how well they tried to hide it.

            Finally, they hung up.  Giles was guilt-ridden for lying to her.  No longer able to stand it, he picked up the phone, quickly dialing her number.

            "I'm sorry, Spike," he said as it was ringing.  "I just can't let her think I don't trust her.  I'll ensure her confidence."

            Spike just nodded.  Getting the story from Giles a few weeks ago, Spike had been tempted to fly out to California to help the witch.  He had always felt a connection with Red, and his heart ached for her.

            "Hello?"

            "Willow?  It's me again."

            "Giles?  What's wrong?"

            "I need to apologize and to ask you a favor."

            "Huh?"

            "One, I'm sorry.  I lied to you.  Two, will you keep a secret for me."

            "Ah….sure?"    

            Giles took a deep breath and caught Spike's eye.

            "About my colleague…"

                        *                      *                      * 

"Yeah, so Giles and I decided to work together."  Spike said into the phone.  He had been talking to Red since she found out – and demanded to speak with him.  At first she was mad at him about what he did to Buffy, but she, of all people, knew how hard it is to earn forgiveness – and how valuable it was.  Soon, they were chatting like old friends.  

When she found about his soul, she was ecstatic.  Her reaction gave him hope.

"Well, Will.  I better get goin'.  Giles will 'ave an aneurism when 'e sees the phone bill."

Just as he was finishing up on the phone with Willow, the front door burst in.  Alea crossed the room in a blaze of fury and pain before the two men even processed she was there.

She had Spike bent backwards on the table, stake to heart.

"Bastard!  Jerk!  Liar!  I can't believe you – the both of you.  Hope you enjoyed laughing at me!"  By this time, Giles recovered and pulled her off of Spike.  She turned and started hitting Giles' chest, but he refused to let go.  Holding her close, he tried to get through to her.  She had burst out crying shortly after Giles pulled her away.  The anger had quickly turned into sadness at their betrayal.  She had thought they cared for her, that they were friends, but she realized now that neither one of them had trusted her.  This is what really bothered her.  William being Spike didn't bother her after the first couple of minutes.  Despite what her Professor had said, she didn't think he was evil.  She knew him.

Or at least she _thought _she knew him.

Slowly, the tears lessened.  Soon all there was were sniffles and whimpers.  No words had been spoken for quite some time.  Spike decided to break the silence.

"I'm going to go out on a limb here, pet, but I take it you know?"

Alea turned her head and glared at Spike.  She couldn't keep up the angry façade against the expression on his face.

"Why didn't you guys tell me?"

"We're idiots."

"Duh."

"Silly bint."

"Wanker."

Spike gasped, clutching at his heart and falling back over the couch.  All three started laughing.  Afterward, they talked long into the night, the two men trying to make amends and the girl trying to convince them it wasn't necessary.


	9. Chapter 8

Journey

By: Lynn

Rating: PG-13  
  


It was a year and two months since Spike received his soul.  But it took having a friend to get his heart back.  Alea was the truest friend he ever had and, after countless Buffy conversations, he slowly began to accomplish what he and Giles set out to do:  he became his own person.  Yes, he still loved Buffy, but he loved himself, too.  Because of that, he knew he would no longer put up with her crap.  If she couldn't love him as an equal, then he would (and knew now that he _could_) live without her.

Yet, even though he knew that, he wasn't ready to go back yet.  Part of it was because here, in London with Giles and Alea, he felt that he had a purpose, a meaning for the first time in a long time.  He felt he was a part of something, not just standing in shadows along the edge.  Another part, which he would never admit even to himself, was that he was scared.  Just because he knew it wouldn't destroy him if Buffy couldn't forgive or love him didn't mean he thought he was strong enough to actually hear that yet.

            So that was why he was still in London, walking down a street with Alea.  Ever since she found out, they began training her and bringing her along on patrol.  Tonight it was just Spike and Alea.  Giles was at a theater opening with a "friend" – needless to say, there had been much teasing before they left.

            A cry of help filled the night.  Spike and Alea started running in the direction from which it came.  

            Turning the corner together, they came upon a fight.  Three vampires were surrounding a shorter human.  His back to them, he appeared to be holding his own, but he wouldn't be for long.  The two friends quickly dispatched the vampires, and their intended victim turned to face them.

            "Spike?"

            "Oz?"

                                    *                      *                      *

            "So then, about three weeks ago, I went and talked to this shaman.  He gave me a potion that should cure me, but I wanted to check it out before I drank it.

            "I don't think anyone even knew I was in L.A.  I didn't even stop by Angel's.  And that's how I wanted it.  I didn't want to bother Wil – uh…anyone unless I had to.

            "When I called the Magic Box, looking to ask you about the cure, Anya didn't even recognize my voice.  She told me that you moved back to London, so I jumped on the next flight."

            Oz had been telling them what had happened to him the last few years.  Typical laconic Oz, it only took a few minutes.  It was the most words Spike ever heard come out of the werewolf's mouth.

            "So what's new with you guys?  What's new in Sunnydale?"  Spike and Giles smirked at each other.

            "Grab some coffee, Oz.  It's going to be a long night."

            An hour or so later, Oz sat staring at them in shock.

            "Well, that is certainly interesting.  It was the first thing he said.  Oz wasn't much of a question asker.  He did raise an eyebrow when he learned about Spike's soul and about the Willow/ Tara fiasco.

            "Yes, well.  It's late.  Let's all get some sleep.  Tomorrow, we can tackle your cure."

            "Oooh!.  Research party!  Yeah!!"

            "Shut up, Spike."

                                    *                      *                      *

            It took a week of long nights of research and days of chemical analysis to conclude that Oz's cure was probably for real.  The only way to know for sure was for Oz to actually take it, which was why the four companions were gathered around Giles' kitchen table, staring at the little cup of potion.

            "Well, here goes."  Oz grabbed the cup, hesitated once and then quickly gulped down the cup's contents.  He immediately started choking and retching at the taste.  A few seconds later, he doubled over, grabbing his stomach and groaning.  Giles stood up to go to him, but, before he could, the man passed out cold.

            Giles knelt down and checked Oz's pulse.

            "Well, he's still alive, at least."

            "Let's move him to the couch.  Who knows how long he'll be out."  Spike moved over to help as Giles started picking up Oz's head and shoulders.  

            "For the next couple of hours, Spike, Giles and Alea waited impatiently for their friend to wake up.  When he did, it was as sudden as his earlier reaction to the cure.  Gasping, he sat straight up, looking wildly from side to side.

            "Oz!  Are you okay?"

            "Giles?  How long have I been out?"

            "Uh..about four hours."

            "Well?  Bloody 'ell, did it work, mate?"

            "I don't feel any different.  But the Powers said it did."

            "What?"  

            "The Powers that Be.  I was talking to them just now, but it felt more like ten minutes for me."

            "Oh.  Wow."

            "Anyway.  We should check the flight schedules for the next one to California."

            "Good.  You should go see Willow – she needs you right now," Giles said, as he cleaned his glasses.  

            "I said _we_, Giles.  Start packing.  The Powers said we all have to go, all four of us.

            "No bloody way!"

            Alea turned to him.

            "You have to, William!  The Powers said so!"  
            "I'm not scared…of _them._"


	10. Chapter 9

Journey

By: Lynn

Rating: PG-13  
                

Flight 541 from London arrived on schedule the next evening.  A lone redhead stood in the sea of people, a redhead who felt she had spent way too much time in airports this past year.

            But, unfortunately, she was the only one to pick them up because no one else knew who was coming with Giles – and she didn't know of everyone either.

            "Willow" Giles' voice rang out.  She turned to face him with a smile, which quickly turned into a dropped jaw.  

            "Oz?"  Her voice was almost a whisper.  She didn't even notice as a passerby bumped into her.

            "Hey."

            It was silent for a few seconds as the former lovers stared at each other.  Spike finally cleared his throat.

            "'ey Red."

            Willow's attention immediately turned to Spike, while Oz moved off to the side, trying to compose himself.  Just seeing her always affected him.  It had since the first time he saw her.  Now there were even more feelings than before;  he didn't think his heart could take it.

            "Spike?  How are you?"

            "Good, good.  How are you doing?"  He asked, concern shining in his eyes as he looked deeply into hers, searching for signs that she was healing.

            "I'm going one day at a time."

            "I know how you feel."  The two shared a secret, sad smile.

            "You must be Alea."

            "Yes.  Nice to meet you."

            Smiling, Willow turned back to Giles.  "Well, guys.  It's time to face the firing squad."

            "Just as long as it's guns and not crossbows."

            "Spike.  She's not going to kill you…I think."

            "Thanks, Red."

            "Anytime."

            Revello Drive looked exactly the same.

            _Well, duh.  Why would it be drastically different after a year, bloody idiot!_

Well, 434 days to be exact.

            434 days for a soul to be granted, a life to be made, people to be befriended, a purpose to be found, and the realization that love was still the motivation to be made.

            434 days for an angel to die, and a Wiccan to break, to collapse, to find strength, to begin to heal, to find the capacity to love again.  To find love again?

            Had it also been 434 days for a Slayer to harden her heart and get the strength to kill him?  Could he dare hope that 434 days had been enough to understand, even if it hadn't been enough to forgive?

            434 days.  Willow was reaching out for the doorknob.  434 days.  He could handle it if he didn't have to see the hate in her eyes.  434 days.  Would the Niblet hate him, too?  434 days.  Would his invitation have been revoked?  434 days.  The door was open.  He was out of time.


	11. Chapter 10

Journey

By: Lynn

Rating: PG-13  
A/N:  Sorry this is so short!!                    

            His invitation hadn't been revoked.  That was a good sign, right?

            _Unless she had just been too busy with Willow at the time and plum forgot._

"Guys?  We're back"

            A thumping sound filled the house as Dawn ran out from the kitchen.  Seeing three other people besides Giles caused her to stop so fast she almost fell.

            She wasn't surprised by the girl she assumed to be Alea.  She was a little surprised by Oz, but she had learned to expect odd things from him.  She _was_ surprised by the bleach-blond vampire trying desperately to fade into the wall and, yet, at the same time obviously wanted to sweep her into his arms.  And, boy, did she want that, too.  But, before she could, they were joined by the others.

            "Oh my God."

            "What's _he _doing here?"

                                    *                      *                      *

            Buffy was confused.  They had told the story of how they started working together.  And Buffy was _pissed_ that Giles hadn't told her.  He would definitely hear about that later…

            But she didn't hear a reason _why_ Spike chose to fight the good fight.


End file.
